How to be Paranoid

Not everyone is paranoid. Yet. Some people think there’s a lot more paranoia around these days but they’re mistaken. There’s the same amount as there’s always been but it’s focusing on you.

For example, have you noticed recently that people always avoid you in the street and can’t keep eye contact with you. What do they know that you don’t? When double glazing salesmen call they always happen to be in your area. Why are they always in your area? Why aren’t they in someone else’s area?

Another worrying sign is that however quiet you are there’s always a background hum. This isn’t random background noise, it’s the noise of many people engaged in a giant conspiracy against you but trying to keep the noise down as they go about it.

Do you sometimes get a nagging suspicion that you’ve left a window open, the car unlocked and the gas on? You’re right to be suspicious because there’s a shadowy government agency dedicated to opening your windows, unlocking your car and relighting your gas when your back is turned. They also killed Princess Diana.

It’s a worrying thought, but it’s a dead certainty that your phone is currently being tapped. You can tell this because if you say nothing it suddenly goes all quiet. What about your phone number? Have you noticed that the letters spell out MIND CONTROL or WIND CONTROL if you live in the Taunton area. And have you ever wondered why you don’t get any interesting post? It’s because all the exciting ones from attractive strangers desperate to meet you are intercepted long before you get them.

In fact right now there’s someone watching your comings and goings. They always take over the house opposite you and appear perfectly normal. The more normal they appear, the more worried you should be. The census didn’t want to know how many rooms you have in your house – they know that kind of thing already. They wanted your DNA and now they’ve got it.

Have you noticed how the stars seem to be the same every night? Given the fact that there are a billion billion stars in the universe, getting the same ones every night is a bit of a coincidence, don’t you think. No coincidence. They’re spy satellites in geo-stationery orbit above your bathroom. So have your flannel ready.

Hidden messages are everywhere. If you look closely at the bible your name, address and National insurance number are all in there together with the phrase ‘Early Death’ or ‘Bikini Area Waxing’ if you’re lucky.

And isn’t it funny how there was no foot and mouth disease in London where the government is. It all begins to make sense if only you’re tuned in. There’s a group opposed to this conspiracy that’ll be contacting you shortly. They know who you are and they’ve got your address. Be vigilant.


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